overwhelmed

i started packing this evening.
it's amazing how many things a room measuring 10 by 12 feet square can hold.
my 'stuff' is on its way to being ready to take off from camphill, and my mind is following not-so-closely behind.

i just sorted through the basket that i have been keeping every greeting card, postcard, newspaper clipping, etc. that has been sent to me while i've been here. only personal stuff.
it filled my heart to the brim. not to mention my eyes.
i sifted through halloween cards, then christmas, valentine's day, and so on all the while reliving those holidays in this place. it's been rough. and beautiful.

i finished sorting cards and was wishing i would have sent more thank-you notes. wishing i had made more calls thanking people for their support. wishing i could travel around the world right now and give hugs. lots of hugs and kisses letting folks know that they are downright wonderful.

as i leave this community i realize that the community that i was so lucky to grow up in has surrounded me, even from far away. a network of friends, family, brothers, aunts and uncles, coworkers, schoolmates, roommates, etc. has let me occupy a tiny bit of their hearts for the last year. i am lucky and i am eternally grateful. and giving them a piece of my heart, my thoughts in return.

i am realizing that community is so many things before a physical place where people live together. the world is a commune.

feeling so ready to go. ready to take a breath. ready to sleep. ready to do anything for myself with my whole consciousness. ready ready ready ready ready to go.
at the same time feeling anxious about leaving.
anxious to leave these beautiful people. anxious to live in the real world again, to shop at the grocery store, to exchange money, to pay for gas.

ready, set, go.


new art...
my mantra. words that inspire my core. words that make me want to create art. words that help me wake up in the morning. spoken by my dear dear friend denise in johannesburg last summer:

make art

i find this so inspiring. and it makes me smile.
the story of this movie ("Once") is so neat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qx8yLvb0gZM

and the song:


i decided to add the lyrics.
they are beautiful.

"Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

heaven?

this is the life... a beautiful patchwork quilt of lettuces, kohlrabi, radishes, etc. in the seed garden. take a look at those colors! isn't it amazing? seeing growth in the gardens this year has been a tremendous learning experience and inspiration to me. planting a tiny seed and watching it slowly become a plant that nourishes the earth and our bodies is an amazing thing.
magical, really. i sure am going to miss this.

(click on these to make them bigger)

i have been creating a lot lately.
painting, drawing, writing-- and it feels really good.
more to come :)
i really believe that creating things for other people is an act of pure love... adoration and appreciation. at least, in my experience that's the way it is.
to create art for another being is to give them a piece of my self.

the luckiest girl in the world...

gets to harvest tomatoes all afternoon long, and eat them for supper.

(green zebra tomatoes)

two little thoughts

1. to add onto my blog about appreciation written awhile ago...
i was talking about this idea with a friend who awakened me to an entirely new part of appreciation. i haven't accepted it completely, and dont know if i will but i think it's still very interesting. she said that if you need to hear praise to feel appreciated for something that you're doing, then maybe you arent truly happy to do it. is that true?

2. i got the most amazing, inspiring compliment today. it will be really hard to top. someone said, 'you are strong. and it's a very delicate kind of strength. like in a spider web. the strands are so thin but when the wind blows they are flexible and move with it.' it reminded me of another famous quote i've heard that goes 'the strength of a tree lies in its ability to bend'.

this world is full of good people.

simply brilliant.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen..."

-Baz Luhrmann

on time

today: feels like i am sliding down a slippery hill, digging my fingernails into the dirt to try and slow myself down, but i dont get any slower. things just keep going faster. the scenery around me goes by my eyes quicker and quicker until my life is just a blur of colors and all i can make out is the horizon line where the land ends and the sky begins.

walking head-on into a storm

as i prepare to leave camphill and begin the next adventure in my life i find myself flooded with extremes of emotion from both ends of the spectrum: im relieved to have survived a very hard year. proud to look back and see all that i have accomplished. sad to leave behind good friends, community life, and the most loving people. and so many other feelings.

i feel like im making a turn out of camphill road and walking straight into another situation that is going to test me, making me tread water and feel like im running out of breath. i realize that it is so hard to be somewhere, make it feel like home, develop relationships, learn about yourself, create deep connections and then pick up and leave because you know that there is s0mething else in the world that you need, or that needs you. for a moment i wonder, perhaps some people stay where they are comfortable instead of searching for more growth?

looking back on this year, it's easy to forget about all the times i broke down sobbing, or the times that i almost called my parents to buy me a plane ticket home because i couldnt handle things here. it's so easy to downplay the strong emotions that i felt in the moment. i guess that's true for most things in life. remembering the first day of kindergarten and how terrified i was to go to school. i remember being excited to learn to read, but crying because in that moment i would have given up the privilege of reading and writing to stay in the comfort of mom's arms. now, i look at that day and think, how silly, how childish. but i think it's important to look at that day (or any) through the eyes of the individual experiencing it. when i broke down here my soul was weak, my eyes were sore, i was sleep deprived, and most importantly i wasnt who i am today.

there is a famous quote that i have heard more than once. it says something along the lines of, the day the people around you stop criticizing you is when you should worry, that means they no longer see any potential in you for improvement. i could have said that much more eloquently, but you get the idea. i think it is so true. when i complain about something, or try to stimulate discussion or change it is only ever because i think that there is room to grow, a place where we can become better at something even if we are already very good.... i think i made a lot of the long-termers around here nervous at times with my question-asking nature, the ease with which i found cracks in the system, the way that i started conversations that can be painful to have. i hope all of the people who i might have shaken know that the only reason i ever did any of that was because i see so much potential in this place. camphill has so much going for it- so much that we dont even see on a day to day basis.