walking head-on into a storm

as i prepare to leave camphill and begin the next adventure in my life i find myself flooded with extremes of emotion from both ends of the spectrum: im relieved to have survived a very hard year. proud to look back and see all that i have accomplished. sad to leave behind good friends, community life, and the most loving people. and so many other feelings.

i feel like im making a turn out of camphill road and walking straight into another situation that is going to test me, making me tread water and feel like im running out of breath. i realize that it is so hard to be somewhere, make it feel like home, develop relationships, learn about yourself, create deep connections and then pick up and leave because you know that there is s0mething else in the world that you need, or that needs you. for a moment i wonder, perhaps some people stay where they are comfortable instead of searching for more growth?

looking back on this year, it's easy to forget about all the times i broke down sobbing, or the times that i almost called my parents to buy me a plane ticket home because i couldnt handle things here. it's so easy to downplay the strong emotions that i felt in the moment. i guess that's true for most things in life. remembering the first day of kindergarten and how terrified i was to go to school. i remember being excited to learn to read, but crying because in that moment i would have given up the privilege of reading and writing to stay in the comfort of mom's arms. now, i look at that day and think, how silly, how childish. but i think it's important to look at that day (or any) through the eyes of the individual experiencing it. when i broke down here my soul was weak, my eyes were sore, i was sleep deprived, and most importantly i wasnt who i am today.

there is a famous quote that i have heard more than once. it says something along the lines of, the day the people around you stop criticizing you is when you should worry, that means they no longer see any potential in you for improvement. i could have said that much more eloquently, but you get the idea. i think it is so true. when i complain about something, or try to stimulate discussion or change it is only ever because i think that there is room to grow, a place where we can become better at something even if we are already very good.... i think i made a lot of the long-termers around here nervous at times with my question-asking nature, the ease with which i found cracks in the system, the way that i started conversations that can be painful to have. i hope all of the people who i might have shaken know that the only reason i ever did any of that was because i see so much potential in this place. camphill has so much going for it- so much that we dont even see on a day to day basis.