a few words, every now and then, when the spirit moves me. my thoughts come from the perspective of a twenty-something gal living in a world that needs all the love we can give it. i love people, truly truly. especially nice ones.
stephen bennett, ladies and gents. simply amazing. if i didn't know better, i wouldn't believe that these were paintings and not photographs. acrylic, oils, and an inspired man with the world at his fingertips.
to see rainbows in each human face... if that's not enlightenment i don't know what is. if we all worked towards seeing how beautiful our neighbors are... bennett somehow captures wisdom, emotion, the unspoken words sleeping in each of us and with color articulates them.
have you ever been so overwhelmed by beauty that you cried?
i get a huge adrenaline rush from flying across the world. i have a passion for sleeping on the floor of a rondeval. i fall in love with the little faces and bare feet sticking out of school windows. i am so excited by the isolation of being in a sea of people who don't speak english.
why do we travel? it is selfish?
i am often confronted with the idea that we should first help out needy americans instead of traveling to other countries to do humanitarian work. this argument bothers me to no end. i can't stand it.
here's what i say: people are people are people are people. no matter where they live. or what language they speak or how rich or poor they are. the act of loving another person, reaching out to them, exchanging energy and soul and life with another person DEFIES ALL geographical boundaries.
maybe it's a little (a lot?) bogus of us to think that we're helping people when we fly in our extravagant jets to gawk at their poverty... but, when the opportunity to enrich yourself or a fellow citizen of the world presents itself don't pass it up. why would you? how could you? learning another language, eating foreign food, being crammed into mass transit with chickens and naked babies and people who don't have the luxury of a daily shower, feeling the sting of bad water in your belly-- this is WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, folks. do it. get out there. live a little.
and GIVE. give until you think it's all going to be gone. because guess what? appreciation, love, humility... never run out.
i arrived in boise just in time to see one of my all time favorite people on the planet speak-- greg mortenson. author of 'three cups of tea', the book that im sure we all read in one day, finished and proclaimed, 'i've go to work with this man'. only to research and find out that the central asia institute is not currently accepting volunteers... duh. but still, heart breaking. im working on it.
im sure im not the only 21 year old female who is swooning over this fifty-something humanitarian instead of some rock-idol or professional athlete. it's a bit funny. but really, i cried when he walked out onto the stage. his humility, brilliance, compassion is overwhelming. pure and real and all-consuming.
from our seats in the third row i could see the passion in his eyes and could feel his deep-burning hope for this chaotic world that we share. and i wanted nothing more than to be on that road. giving giving giving. i wanted the assurance of knowing what im here for. my purpose. knowing who i am, where i am, what i am. still searching all the time.
what a man.
completely unrelated: i've been listening to this other amazing man. trying to gain a little inspiration.
insatiable. i can never get enough of life. i always always always want more. at times this feels selfish and im left wishing that i could be happy with what i've got. then i remember that it's dreaming that keeps us alive. makes us happy, and reminds us that there is so much more to today. it's the dreaming that produces actions, change, and encourages us to reach for the prizes that are just beyond our grasp.
i guess this visionary mindset leaves some people standing behind my wild mind in the dust wondering where i've rushed off to. luckily for me, i've got strangely understanding people in my life who understand when africa needs me for a little bit longer, when india is calling my name, when i have to take a bike ride at 3 am to plan a garden, etc. etc. i am so fortunate.
the hurried people of the city racing by me to make it into work three minutes early and i wonder if it's really necessary?
sipping my tea looking all around imagining that chai is an immunization against this rushed worried running city life.
and im feeling ready pretty darn ready to hug my ma and kiss dad on the cheek and be HOME.
i feel so isolated in big cities and when i walk down the street it starts slow but by the end of the block we're flying together v formation even the pigeons are hurried. pea coats, pearls, heels and all. and i feel enveloped by the city air.
im proud. so proud of what america has just accomplished. but, it's not over yet. we don't get to breathe our sigh of relief just yet. because there's more work to be done. and we are ALL responsible. more love to spread...
it's been so long since i've been around here. i know, i know. my life has been nomadic for the last month. it's been good, but i'm ready to get home and have a place to belong. it's interesting-- living out of a suitcase can be freeing, but for me it also takes away some identity. part of me is defined by where i'm from, the roads that i travel, and the people that i surround myself with.
ive had this conversation with several people. it seems to come up often. not sure why exactly. but, it only gets truer and truer.
im really lucky. sometimes i feel like a clown on a trapeze. there is this lofty safety net ready to catch me if i should happen to fall. it's there always, just waiting. i cant even imagine life without it.
in my life, my parents, my home community, my family are my safety net. because of the comfort that they have given me, i have the gumption to walk out on a ledge and to take a risk. i know, without any doubts, that the people i love are going to catch me no matter what.
my security blanket, my harness, my helmet and knee pads. thanks for letting me have some spunk, cool people in my life. i owe ya a big one.
two more days in the village. hard to believe, isn't it? i have absolutely no clue where the last year of my life has gone. i don't know how long it will be before i can accurately articulate what i've gained from being here, however something that is already apparent to me is a newfound hope in the world... kind of a new appreciation towards idealism and optimism. in the village i've seen hope in a world where it is too easy to see despair. i have encountered love in a society where loneliness is widespread. i have witnessed creation amongst destruction.
in leaving i have discovered something that i absolutely didn't expect. my departure provides a great opportunity for friends, acquaintances, fellow coworkers, and villagers alike to share with me thoughts, perceptions, gratitude, etc. that probably would have stayed under wraps if i was staying here. it has been the ultimate gift and an eye-opener.
i started packing this evening. it's amazing how many things a room measuring 10 by 12 feet square can hold. my 'stuff' is on its way to being ready to take off from camphill, and my mind is following not-so-closely behind.
i just sorted through the basket that i have been keeping every greeting card, postcard, newspaper clipping, etc. that has been sent to me while i've been here. only personal stuff. it filled my heart to the brim. not to mention my eyes. i sifted through halloween cards, then christmas, valentine's day, and so on all the while reliving those holidays in this place. it's been rough. and beautiful.
i finished sorting cards and was wishing i would have sent more thank-you notes. wishing i had made more calls thanking people for their support. wishing i could travel around the world right now and give hugs. lots of hugs and kisses letting folks know that they are downright wonderful.
as i leave this community i realize that the community that i was so lucky to grow up in has surrounded me, even from far away. a network of friends, family, brothers, aunts and uncles, coworkers, schoolmates, roommates, etc. has let me occupy a tiny bit of their hearts for the last year. i am lucky and i am eternally grateful. and giving them a piece of my heart, my thoughts in return.
i am realizing that community is so many things before a physical place where people live together. the world is a commune.
feeling so ready to go. ready to take a breath. ready to sleep. ready to do anything for myself with my whole consciousness. ready ready ready ready ready to go. at the same time feeling anxious about leaving. anxious to leave these beautiful people. anxious to live in the real world again, to shop at the grocery store, to exchange money, to pay for gas.
ready, set, go.
new art... my mantra. words that inspire my core. words that make me want to create art. words that help me wake up in the morning. spoken by my dear dear friend denise in johannesburg last summer:
"Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
I don't know you But I want you All the more for that Words fall through me And always fool me And I can't react And games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back Moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice You've made it now
Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice You've made it now Falling slowly sing your melody I'll sing along
this is the life... a beautiful patchwork quilt of lettuces, kohlrabi, radishes, etc. in the seed garden. take a look at those colors! isn't it amazing? seeing growth in the gardens this year has been a tremendous learning experience and inspiration to me. planting a tiny seed and watching it slowly become a plant that nourishes the earth and our bodies is an amazing thing. magical, really. i sure am going to miss this.
(click on these to make them bigger)
i have been creating a lot lately. painting, drawing, writing-- and it feels really good. more to come :) i really believe that creating things for other people is an act of pure love... adoration and appreciation. at least, in my experience that's the way it is. to create art for another being is to give them a piece of my self.
1. to add onto my blog about appreciation written awhile ago... i was talking about this idea with a friend who awakened me to an entirely new part of appreciation. i haven't accepted it completely, and dont know if i will but i think it's still very interesting. she said that if you need to hear praise to feel appreciated for something that you're doing, then maybe you arent truly happy to do it. is that true?
2. i got the most amazing, inspiring compliment today. it will be really hard to top. someone said, 'you are strong. and it's a very delicate kind of strength. like in a spider web. the strands are so thin but when the wind blows they are flexible and move with it.' it reminded me of another famous quote i've heard that goes 'the strength of a tree lies in its ability to bend'.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
today: feels like i am sliding down a slippery hill, digging my fingernails into the dirt to try and slow myself down, but i dont get any slower. things just keep going faster. the scenery around me goes by my eyes quicker and quicker until my life is just a blur of colors and all i can make out is the horizon line where the land ends and the sky begins.
as i prepare to leave camphill and begin the next adventure in my life i find myself flooded with extremes of emotion from both ends of the spectrum: im relieved to have survived a very hard year. proud to look back and see all that i have accomplished. sad to leave behind good friends, community life, and the most loving people. and so many other feelings.
i feel like im making a turn out of camphill road and walking straight into another situation that is going to test me, making me tread water and feel like im running out of breath. i realize that it is so hard to be somewhere, make it feel like home, develop relationships, learn about yourself, create deep connections and then pick up and leave because you know that there is s0mething else in the world that you need, or that needs you. for a moment i wonder, perhaps some people stay where they are comfortable instead of searching for more growth?
looking back on this year, it's easy to forget about all the times i broke down sobbing, or the times that i almost called my parents to buy me a plane ticket home because i couldnt handle things here. it's so easy to downplay the strong emotions that i felt in the moment. i guess that's true for most things in life. remembering the first day of kindergarten and how terrified i was to go to school. i remember being excited to learn to read, but crying because in that moment i would have given up the privilege of reading and writing to stay in the comfort of mom's arms. now, i look at that day and think, how silly, how childish. but i think it's important to look at that day (or any) through the eyes of the individual experiencing it. when i broke down here my soul was weak, my eyes were sore, i was sleep deprived, and most importantly i wasnt who i am today.
there is a famous quote that i have heard more than once. it says something along the lines of, the day the people around you stop criticizing you is when you should worry, that means they no longer see any potential in you for improvement. i could have said that much more eloquently, but you get the idea. i think it is so true. when i complain about something, or try to stimulate discussion or change it is only ever because i think that there is room to grow, a place where we can become better at something even if we are already very good.... i think i made a lot of the long-termers around here nervous at times with my question-asking nature, the ease with which i found cracks in the system, the way that i started conversations that can be painful to have. i hope all of the people who i might have shaken know that the only reason i ever did any of that was because i see so much potential in this place. camphill has so much going for it- so much that we dont even see on a day to day basis.
as i was sitting at my computer today responding to emails i came across a note from a friend that said i should check out a song she'd just heard on the radio. i replied back saying that i would youtube the musician. that got me to thinking about how we now use verbs like 'to google' and 'to youtube'. what a world this is we live in...
africa has been a huge part of the way i identify myself ever since i was there, just over a year ago. i went there with a small humanitarian group that works on providing clean water, health care, and education to people in small villages in south africa. we were supposed to stay for fifteen days and the rest of the group i was traveling with did just that, but when the fifteenth day arrived i wasn't ready to go. i knew in my heart that i had more work to do in africa, so i stayed.
the month that i spent in africa was life changing. i learned more in those thirty days than i ever have in a classroom. i learned more from eleven year olds with no formal education than i ever have from a professor with three degrees and ten years of higher education.
in those thirty days i became a different person. i was already an empathetic, highly moral, compassionate, and concerned for others and the world around me kind of person. but in experiencing africa my senses were awakened and my heart grew to encompass the consciousness of all of my neighbors in kwazulu natal.
africa forced me to confront the unfairness that thrives in life. no one gets to choose what color their skin is, the country they are born in, their sex, their age, etc. sitting amidst a sea of hiv positive babies and hungry folks all around in a hospital one day i realized that the only thing we can do is to share. share our wealth, share our food, share the unending love that we have to give. sharing goes so much further than guilt ever could.
recently i have come across a really neat idea called "the compact". from what i understand it started as a group of friends in san fran who wanted to lower their impact on the world around them by reducing, reusing, and recycling- with an emphasis on the first two. they were inspired by the folks who sailed across the atlantic to america in 1620 on the mayflower. their hope was to build a “city on a hill” that would be a beacon to the world.
"-To go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of disposable consumer culture and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -To reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-er). -To simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact) " to accomplish the above-mentioned goals, members of the compact have agreed not to purchase anything new and to borrow, barter, and buy used. i think it is particularly important to make exceptions to these rules where one's quality of life might be marginalized. the point more than anything is to live a rich and fulfilled life, to recognize that you don't need stuff to live that way, and to enrich the lives of others.
so, onward ho!
i took this picture at the hudson river sloop festival in croton-on-hudson, ny this year. the event was started fortysomeodd years ago by pete seeger and friends! it was such an inspiring event where i was surrounded by people who love our earth, just like i do, and who care about keeping it clean and happy. being here made me feel so hopeful.
someone played me a song today that i used to listen to often and it instantly brought me back to last year. driving with a wonderful friend in the pacific northwest.
it is amazing how quickly things can change in this life. just amazing. there really is no other word for it. one minute happy and sad the next. one day rich and tomorrow youre poor. increasingly these days i am finding that the idea i have most faith in is impermanence. im not sure what else to believe in.
regarding the last nine months of my life: wow. id like to recap a bit about the life that ive been living for the last three quarters of a year. it's been the hardest, the most painful, the loneliest, and all at the same time the most satisfying i have ever experienced. ive been living in a very special place called camphill village. after dozens of attempts to explain what i do here ive stopped just short of giving up. all i can do is try to use words i know to explain the most meaningful work and most trying job i have ever had. but, i already know that words dont do this place justice. they just dont. and it's impossible to understand camphill village without being a part of it, even for a dashing moment.
we are located in copake, ny. a place that most people dont even know exists. six miles west of the eastern border of ny where massachusetts and connecticut come together. on a sprawling, forested and hilly 600 acres, 250 people live in 20 (or so) houses we run a farm, three gardens: one for vegetables, one for healing plants, and one for seeds save the apple orchard. we also run a bakery, a dairy, a woodshop, a weavery, a cafe, a doctors office... among other things i know im forgetting.
half of the inhabitants of this undeniably beautiful land have special needs, disabilities, mental shortcomings- whatever you please. and the other half of us- well, some might call us average, normal, everyday folks. this is up for disagreement.
Love is real, real is love, Love is feeling, feeling love, Love is wanting to be loved. Love is touch, touch is love, Love is reaching, reaching love, Love is asking to be loved. Love is you, You and me, Love is knowing, We can be. Love is free, free is love, Love is living, living love, Love is needing to be loved.
